The Best The Umbrella Academy Quotes From Seasons One & Two

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The Umbrella Academy is one of the best shows on Netflix and it is filled with some great quotes — hilarious, heartwarming, and inspiring.

the umbrella academy quotes

The Umbrella Academy is one of my favorite shows based on a comic book. Not only is it extremely close to the comics, it is perfectly cast. Also, The Umbrella Academy has some amazing quotes in it — heartfelt, hilarious, and sometimes even inspiring. 

I put together a collection of my favorites from seasons one and two below. Enjoy!

the umbrella academy season 1

The Umbrella Academy Season One Quotes

These are some of my favorite The Umbrella Academy season one quotes. If you haven’t watched it yet, skip these (minor spoilers) and binge it! You still have time before season two hits Netflix on July 31st. Then come back and enjoy!

“We didn’t choose this life, we’re just living in it.” – Five

“If you’re raised to believe nothing about you is special, if the benchmark is extraordinary, what to you do if you’re not?” – Vanya

“I’m just gonna go murder Mom, I’ll be right back.” – Klaus

“Hope it turns out better than your marriage, huh?” – Diego

the umbrella academy season one allison luther

“Iv’e compared every man I’ve ever met to you.” – Allison

“Dad, could you stop playing tennis with Hitler for a moment?” – Klaus

“We all wanted to be loved by a man incapable of giving love.” – Five

umbrella academy quote

“You are depriving some village of their idiot.” – Klaus

“I think maybe you’re the only person who really knows who I am and still likes me anyway.” – Allison

“He’s dead! Yay!” – Klaus

“I need a hit of sucrose. I’m heading to the vending machine.” – Hazel

“We’re all looking for happy.” – The Handler

“When something seems too perfect, it’s usually anything but.” – Allison

“If you believe in yourself, just once, great things are gonna happen for you.” – Vanya

umbrella academy season one klaus

“Best. Funeral. Ever.” – Klaus

“You don’t get to blame your problems on anyone but yourself.” – Allison

“The ties that bind you together make you stronger than you are alone.” – Sir Reginald Hargreeves

“You guys are scarier without the masks.” – Klaus

“Eternal peace is probably overrated.” – Klaus

Check out my favorite The Umbrella Academy memes.

the umbrella academy season 2 poster

The Umbrella Academy Season Two Quotes

SPOILER WARNING!! Some of these quotes from The Umbrella Academy Season Two will contain spoilers! Please be careful when reading them if you have not watched all of season two yet! The first few are from trailers, so do not contain spoilers.

“What the hell did we do now?” – Five

“I need to find my family.” – Five

The Umbrella Academy Season 2

THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY (L to R) CAMERON BRITTON as HAZEL and AIDAN GALLAGHER as NUMBER FIVE. Cr. COURTESY OF NETFLIX/NETFLIX © 2020

“My cult is going to be so pissed… I told them we had until 2019.” – Klaus

“Unfortunately ghosts can’t time travel.” – Klaus

“Everything in our new life is connected to a plot to assassinate the President. That can’t be a coincidence.” – Diego

“They’re not here to sell vacuums.” – Allison

“The commission will hunt us down wherever and whenever we go.” – Five

“You are an open book written for very dumb children.” – Lila

“I heard a rumor… you punched yourself in the face.” – Allison (to Diego)

“Nobody needs your shit Klaus. That’s why you are always alone.”  – Ben

“I missed you all, so much.” – Ben

“I don’t owe them the fuzz off my peaches.” – Hazel

“The clock is ticking on doomsday. Just tell me that when I need you, you’ll be ready.” – Five

“Rude.” – Klaus

“They are gone like a fart that went poof.” – Klaus

“Not that apocolypse, this is a new one.” – Five

“I know this is impossible, but did we all get sexier?” – Klaus

“You look like Antonio Banderas with the long hair. I just thought you should know.” – Klaus

“Yeah, why don’t you tell that to Luke Skywalker? I know you don’t get it, but that is an excellent reference.” – Diego

the umbrella academy s2 diego

THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY (L to R) RITU ARYA as LILA and DAVID CASTANEDA as DIEGO HARGREEVES. Cr. CHRISTOS KALOHORIDIS/NETFLIX © 2020

“I ran into some trouble at the asylum, during the escape. These three blond guys. Total cowboys.” – Lila

“Oh honey, no. I’m the man here.” – Lila

“I could teach you to shave like a big boy.” – Lila

“I know what it’s like being stuck in time, thinking this is how you are going to live out the rest of your life. On the run, and not knowing if you’re ever gonna see the people you love again, and to be in an unfamilar world.” – Five

“Don’t go chasing waterfalls, stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re use to.” – Klaus

“I saved your stupid life.” – Lila

“Wonder if it’s too late to be un-adopted.” – Five

“THE Jack Ruby? The gangster that took out Oswald?” – Five

“I thought it was my job to keep everyone safe, and I just made it worse. I never wanted to be the bad guy.” – Luther

the umbrella academy s2 five

THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY AIDAN GALLAGHER as NUMBER FIVE in episode 201 of THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY Cr. COURTESY OF NETFLIX/NETFLIX © 2020

“You can either stay here and wait for the IKEA mafia to come back to kill you, or you can come with me.” – Five

“The only thing The Umbrella Academy knows about love is how to screw it up.” – Klaus

“Family barbecues are about to get real weird.” – Klaus

“You don’t have to join the military to become a man. Don’t sacrifice yourself — because I love you.” – Klaus

“We have to risk everything to save everything.” – Luther

“This is going to sound crazy but, I’m your son.” – Luther

“The last time I saw this one, she had me suspended mid-air sucking the life out of me with energy tentacles.” – Diege

“I’m going to tell Sissy that I love her.” – Vanya

the umbrella academy s2 klaus

THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY ROBERT SHEEHAN as KLAUS HARGREEVES in episode 203 of THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY Cr. CHRISTOS KALOHORIDIS/NETFLIX © 2020

“I’m a complete and total fraud.” – Klaus

“Vanya, of all people you should hate Dad the most.” – Luther

“What would possess me to adopt seven ill-mannered malcontents?” – Reginald Hargreeves

“I hate to disappoint you Benny boy but you are not getting in this body.” – Klaus

“Can you hug me as I go? It’s been a long time.” – Ben

“Do you know how hard it is to trust people when your whole childhood was bullshit and manipulation?” – Diego

“I would take my year with you over a lifetime with anybody else.” – Ray

the umbrella academy season 2 vanya

THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY ELLEN PAGE as VANYA HARGREEVES in THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY Cr. COURTESY OF NETFLIX/NETFLIX © 2020

“Why can’t I control myself like the rest of you guys?” – Vanya

“Who I am is not a disease.” – Vanya

“I need your help too, I’m scared. And for the first time in my life I don’t want to do it alone. I want my family by my side.” – Vanya

“I know what it’s like to love dangerous people. Difference is they love me back.” – Ben

“You have given me the greatest gift of a lifetime. You let me feel alive for the first time. You helped me find hope again. That’s a wonderful thing.” – Sissy

“I can’t believe I got shanked by my own father.” – Diego

the umbrella academy s1

About The Umbrella Academy

On one day in 1989, 43 infants are inexplicably born to random, unconnected women who showed no signs of pregnancy the day before. Seven are adopted by billionaire industrialist Sir Reginald Hargreeves, who creates the Umbrella Academy and prepares his “children” to save the world. In their teenage years, though, the family fractures and the team disbands.

Fast forward to the present time, when the six surviving members of the clan reunite upon the news of Hargreeves’ passing. They work together to solve a mystery surrounding their father’s death, but divergent personalities and abilities again pull the estranged family apart, and a global apocalypse is another imminent threat.

The series is based on a collection of comics and graphic novels created and written by My Chemical Romance lead singer Gerard Way.

Season Two of The Umbrella Academy hits Netflix on July 31st.

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