The Funniest Quotes From National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is one of the funniest movies ever made because of all the hilarious quotes!

With the holidays approaching I wanted to share some of my favorite hilarious quotes from one of my favorite holiday movies — National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation! If for some crazy reason you have not seen this movie yet, stop reading this and watch it now. Then come back and laugh your butt off at these quotes!

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Quotes

I put together a collection of the funniest quotes from this movie and while I honestly could have written down most of the script, I just had to stop somewhere. These are the quotes that have me laughing as I type them. Enjoy!

“Worse? How can things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We’re at the threshold of hell!” – Clark Griswold

“Your grandma’s got a real painful bur on her heel. If you rub it for me, I’ll give you a whole quarter.” – Grandma Griswold

“Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?” – Audrey Griswold

“It’s not going in our yard, Russ. It’s going in our living room.” – Clark

“Wouldn’t be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren’t hooter than they – hotter than they are.” – Clark

“Yes, it’s a bit nipply out, I mean nippy out.” – Clark

“You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.” – Uncle Lewis

“Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.” – Clark

“I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.” – Ellen Griswold

“Is it plugged in?” – Ellen

“Eat my road grit, Liver Lips!” – Clark

“Clark, Audrey’s frozen from the waist down.” – Ellen

“Hey Griswold, where do you think you’re gonna put a tree that big?” – Todd Chester
“Bend over and I’ll show you.” – Clark

“If you want to come in you’ll have to break down the goddamn door!” – Margo

“I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.” – Ellen

“I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas.” – Audrey

“You better take a rain check on that, Art, he’s got a lip fungus they ain’t identified yet.” – Cousin Eddie

“When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!” – Clark

“I’m gonna catch it in a coat, and smack it with a hammer!” – Clark

“Welcome to our home…what’s left of it.” – Ellen

“Oh, the silent majesty of a winter’s morn, the clean, cool chill of the holiday air, and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.” – Clark

Clark: “Where’s Eddie? He usually eats these things.”
Catherine, Eddie’s wife: “Oh, not recently. He read that squirrels are high in cholesterol.”

“Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where’s the Tylenol?” – Clark

“Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?” – Clark

“You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.” – Margo

“Oh, he’s just yakkin’ on a bone.” – Cousin Eddie

“I love it here. You don’t gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom, and your house is always parked in the same place!” – Ruby Sue

“Whoa, geez! Look at the time. I gotta get to bed—and brush my teeth, feed the hog, do the laundry, wash the car, still got some homework to do.” – Rusty Griswold

“Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here.”- Clark

“If that thing had nine lives, she just spent ’em all.” – Cousin Eddie

“What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?” – Grandpa Art

“I was just looking at something for my wife, God rest her soul.” – Clark

“Mom? This box is meowing.” – Rusty

“Grace? She died 30 years ago!” – Aunt Bethany

“If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” – Clark

“Save the neck for me, Clark!” – Cousin Eddie

“Merry Christmas! Sh*tter was full!” – Cousin Eddie

I hope you enjoyed these National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation quotes! If I missed your favorite one, let me know! Be sure to check out all my other quotes collections from your favorite movies and TV shows.

About National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

As the holidays approach, Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) wants to have a perfect family Christmas, so he pesters his wife, Ellen (Beverly D’Angelo), and children, as he tries to make sure everything is in line, including the tree and house decorations.

However, things go awry quickly. His hick cousin, Eddie (Randy Quaid), and his family show up unplanned and start living in their camper on the Griswold property. Even worse, Clark’s employers renege on the holiday bonus he needs.

Watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation here.