#BehindTheBlogger: I Could Only Imagine

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Family

This Behind the Blogger writing prompt is “I Could Only Imagine“. I must admit, I was stumped about what to write for a while. I could easily go dark with this but I wanted to keep it someone positive. At the same time, I really wanted to write about something that is on my mind every day. I could only imagine if I did not lose that baby 6 years ago. It is a little dark, but it is real.

If you have gone through a miscarriage before than you know it is on your mind every day. Some days it may be hiding in a dark corner and some it may be at the forefront of your brain. My husband and I had only been married for 4 months when we found out we were expecting. The plan after the wedding was “if it happens, it happens” and we were over the moon that it happened so quickly. At my first ultrasound appointment they did not see a heartbeat, but said that was normal as I was only about 5 weeks along. They did, however, schedule a follow up appointment a week later to check again. At this appointment we were told that there was still no heartbeat, but that I should come back in another week to confirm. Well, at that third appointment we found out that our precious little baby never had a heartbeat and never would. That was hard. Really hard. It brought my husband and I a lot closer – silver lining I suppose.

But not a day goes by that I don’t look at my girls and think about their older brother or sister. I wonder how well they would have played together, what that child would look like – I even wonder if our youngest would even be here as we have only planned on two kids. I can’t help but think about it sometimes, as much as it hurts. There is a song by Miley Cyrus (I know) that my husband and I heard on the way home from the hospital that day – “Bottom of the Ocean“. The lyrics really hit home for us, even though they were not intended to mean what they mean to us.

How could I be losing you forever?
After all the time we spent together

I have to know why
I had to lose you
Now you’ve just become
Like everything I’ll never find again
At the bottom of the ocean

Like I said, I cannot help but wonder who that child would be. But I can’t dwell on it either. It would eat my up inside.

I can only imagine who my son or daughter would be today, but maybe, just maybe, everything happens for a reason.

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4 Comments

  1. You did a great job writing about a tough topic. I have had 2 miscarriages and I often wonder about them also. We have 3 kids now, and we would have had 5. Thanks for your post.
  2. Aww Tessa. This is so heartbreaking. It makes me so sad to think that you two went through this and even more so that you still think about it and wonder. I would be just like you though, wondering how he/she would look, act, talk, and play. Man, that song just cuts deep when thinking about you losing your baby ☹ Thanks for being so deep and letting us into your mind.
  3. I can empathize. I've had 4 miscarriages and both my kids are "Rainbow babies", each following a miscarriage. It changes your whole life. Due date(s) come and go, next year it's a non-existant 1 year birthday. It's thinking "My daughter really is a little sister.... not the biggest sister". It's hard. *hugs*
  4. Thank you for sharing such a personal subject with us. I'm glad that this incident brought you and your husband closer together. Often times and I've seen it happen to people I know, a tragedy like this places a wedge between a couple that they just can't ever get around. Especially such a young relationship such as yours was. Your story gives me joy...not joy in your sadness, but joy in your triumphs. Again, thank you for letting us get a true look #BehindTheBlogger

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